Hi,
I found this site because I am desperately looking for some help for me and a better understanding. I read this string because I was trying to figure out if the person I just left is an alcoholic or just a problem drinker. He claims to be the later. I would love to hear from anyone that can help me or give advice.
I was with him for 3.5 years. I found out from a friend that he was engagement ring shopping because he asked her for advice. So, when he was acting strange one night, I thought he was going to propose. Instead, he sat me down and told me that for the past 3 years, our entire relationship, he had been drinking a pint of whiskey a night. I didn't live with him, so I had no idea this was happening. He was cranky when I was there much of the time, but I thought it was stress. Now I think it was because he couldn't drink around me.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, so I recognize that he is sick and needs help. I stayed with him to let him decide for himself how to get help. He told me he was going to meetings, but since I have some recovery experience, he seemed not to be speaking like someone who was in program. He called me drunk one night. I confronted him. He said he was drunk. He went to AA the next day. He then started fighting with me for social drinking a couple of months later. I told him I would leave if that was what he decided. He became very verbally abusive to me, so I left him on Thanksgiving weekend.
We were seeing a couples therapist for this and other issues. The day I left him, he went to several AA meetings that day, then called his brother and told him. Up until now I was the only one who knew. Then he realized I was cutting him off from email contact because I blocked him. He went to more meetings the next day, then called his parents. The entire family pleaded with me to talk to him and told me they would support his recovery. I spoke to him and told him I couldn't just go back until I knew he was in program. He told me that he was serious this time and the break-up really shook him to the core. I found out a month after, the first week in January, that he was drinking here and there. Oddly, he was drinking with his family. I cut him off from phone contact and we both went to therapy sessions with out couple counselor. She told me, while not specific, that she felt he was working on figuring out what he had to do. We have kept email contact.
I got a letter from him yesterday. He told me how much he has learned and that he feels like he is a new person. He told me I'm the love of his live and he could not bear the thought of being without me but he had learned something. He learned in AA that he has choices. Just because everything points to the fact that he is an alcoholic doesn't mean he is. So, he says he's an alcoholic BUT he can drink. His new rules are 2 drinks if he's out with friends, no drinking alone, and no alcohol in the house. His family and friends support him. I asked him if his bottom line was social drinks or me and he said yes. He would learn to live without me if I couldn't accept that. I told him goodbye and went to al-anon, then to therapy to begin the process of getting over the relationship.
I'm in so much pain over this and don't know what to think. Is it possible to go from a pint of whiskey a night to social drinking? I feel like I know the answer, but want to know that I'm not crazy. He has said this wasn't some ultimatum, but I feel like I did something wrong here.
I would appreciate anything anyone has to say on the subject.
Thank you for being here!