Hello Neverending,
You said 3rd time. Is this in any way similar to the 1st or 2nd times?
This is just my experience- the 3rd time was not a positive experience for me. Here is what I wish I had taken a closer look at. Not his program, not his words, his LIFE!! Had HE cleaned up the wreckage??
Simple ?'s I wish I had asked. Other than "working" on his health and recovery- what other things had he been working on and devoting his time and energy to.
Was his career and job steady.. or were there a lot of changes?
Was the bank account building and credit debt decreasing?
Friends- did we still have "mutual friends"- people we both knew and talked to, could feel very comfortable calling and talking with? Spending time TOGETHER with.
(mine had 2 kinds of friends- the using one's- who I don't have to go into- but then the "recovery" friends- and well mine were the one's who were there for US as a family and couple.
I hate to admit it- but honestly I believe that mine didn't want the divorce either- but it wasn't his love of me. He just didn't want to have to pay child support and have days where he was 100% responsible for them- we were NOT partnered as parents any more.
You said you've been raising the kids- has he taken an active part? I'm not talking showing up at the conference- I mean helping with the homework? If they are sick or have a vacation day, does he take off of work? Does he and is he able to go to their activities alone- or does he always go with you?
Of course mine didn't want a divorce- he would not have been partnered with me- parenting. He would have been seen as completely seperate- his own person. And... well on top of having to PAY child-support- he would have had to call and ASK me nicely to "help" him out if he had something he wanted or needed to do- that evening or weekend- and been grateful!! He also would have had to do the holidays and birthdays on his own. Not to mention do his own housecleaning and laundry!! OR pay the cleaning lady!!
In a sober house- apt- he appeared to be functioning quite well. Not a lot of responsibilities there. If anything breaks.. lawns to mow.. or snow to shovel.
Okay you can laugh- heck I decorated the apt for him!! Even bought him the nice plant for the patio... it died!!
You know- we never got around to that couples counseling either... or talking much about the past- But he could talk the nicest talk, especially about someday... what he would do someday... for the kids and myself. No, when he wanted to- he could be very charming. The nicest, kindest, thoughtful person.
Another thing- I believe I was also his "cover"- he used me to use others. I understand to this day- he actually tells others that I remarryed him!!! I think he thinks that makes him also look like he is in recovery- the family man- all that stuff.
Anyway- if this sounds or feels at all familiar. I would think twice about halting the divorce. Legal freedom from his choices, actions and consequences.
You can always remarry in the future.
That's just my experience- not a good one. I also wish I could say- it was just the 3rd time.. I lost count!!
