I'm still on step 1 in a lot of ways - except accepting that I'm powerless over AH addiction (or responsible). But, here's my Step 2 story. I too have always had faith in a HP. I do believe I have to work too, it goes hand in hand - but I try very hard not to put blinders on so I miss it when my HP sends me what I need in whatever shape or form. My life, though not easy has always been blessed, and from an early age I have counted my blessings often, most times daily. So, this is what happened to me last night and this morning. As you know, I have been "cramming". I have been working as hard as I can and one of my biggest "fears" lately has been that I am going to have to deal with the practical side of life with my AH and I felt like I hadn't had enough in my own recovery to really be able to handle the anticipated onslaught of drama and manipulation. I knew I could do it, because I had to, but really felt like I was going to have to "fake" it a lot of the time and afterwards be completely beat up and exhausted and emotionally drained. This terrified me in a lot of ways. I knew what I knew, but it hadn't sunk in enough to "feel" it. So, last night I cried. For the first time in all this I just cried and cried. I didn't want to have to do this. I knew I had to, but I really just this once wanted something or someone to help me so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I was soooo tired and I felt like as hard as I was trying I just wasn't going to get there. I finally fell asleep, exhausted. I woke up this morning - and I WAS CLEAR! I was so clear I couldn't believe it! I knew - I mean I KNEW! I was going to be OK. I still have work to do (that was made VERY clear too BTW), but what I needed to get through this next step with my STBXAH (is that right?) was given. It's not going to be easy. I didn't ask for easy, I just asked to be ready, truly ready and I am. I feel more sane (about this particular situation anyway)! I think this is a Step 2 moment - I feel soooo good! I actually feel really exhausted right now as I had a long long day at work and a long long week at both jobs - but emotionally and spiritually, I am so pumped and ready! Only a power greater than myself could have restored me to any sanity on this issue! Thank you all! I got here with all the beaucoodles of your wisdom and support!
