Sealah, I understand everything your saying (and the others) cause Ive been there and am there too.
So my response is going to about you not the addict and your behavior and I mean this lovingly as its what Ive said to myself and am now doing to improve me.
STart with your ever searching for what hes on: and STOP. If you cant control the search mission, how do you expect him to control something thats got a chemical and psychological hold on him?
I use to scream, search, smell his breath, hide tin foil search cell phone calls ect, cause I ahd to know, especially if I had a hunch. But what happened opnce I knew? Then I was angry, irate ect would tell him so, Id hold agrudge through his sick stage, nag, while and punish and then switch to th trying to fix everything stage ect. It brought me to complete poordom, almost cost my job and definately cost me my sanity to the point, the nice sweet sober him was worried I would hurt myself physically.
We separated for several months and I got a hold of me, starting working my alanon program more deeply and personally and started becoming a new me. We are back together, I cant say hes been 100% clean, I cant say Ive been 100% sane, but I can say I wont search for anything....If I have a gut feeling, I step away from the addict, I journal, I do things for me and I dont turn into tat crazy raging leaunitect (sp) and I will not fix his problems or what he could get himself into.
I now treat both of us with more respect by allowing him to live his own life and I dont take responsibility for him. By admitting I am powerless over his actions and my life was unmanageble Ive truly gotten my life back.
Please for you, look into alanon or naranon find a group and a sponsor and learn to love yourself and live for you. It truly is an awakening and there are ahppy endings for each of us with or without a fairy tale prince