Sure, I probably had some issue before falling in love with an addict. But who doesnt. Sorry I have a feeling this is gonna be long, I'm about to lose it.
I don't trust myself, I wonder why I dont leave, I wonder why I've threatened to leave and never follow through. I feel like I am so weak in spirit that if I left I would be worse off than him!
I think I was naive in thinking addicts couldn't function in society. Maybe not well, but often times they keep going, they go to work, they shop, they go out on the weekends. And so I feel like no one gets it. I think he is my best friend, because when he is clean he's irreplaceable. I've dated many, and they can't touch my abf. Every night he kisses me and says I love you, I love you so much. Every morning he says I'm beautiful. But outside of these events he is forgetful, and lies, and hides things and is sneaky and never lets his cell phone out of his sight. And I feel awful for my perception of him changing, it a terrible feeling to become disgusted by someone.
And now I am disgusted with myself. I still check his things, I can only go a couple weeks without doing it. I feel overwhelmed with finding the hidden drugs "b/c they won't be in my house!" I have started to distrust EVERYTHING he says...in life, about people, no matter what the topic.
And here the catcher...he was highly addicted to pills & coke. He went to rehab, relapsed within a week, then was clean for 4 months, then relapsed on vicodin again for about two weeks, then clean again for 6...however...in his mind he smokes pot ALOT & drinks socially(sometimes gets hammered) b/c it keeps him off the "worse" stuff. I disagree, he needs to be clean of everything all the time to even consider having a decent life.
I feel selfish b/c most of the time I want to know what hes on and I go searching through his things b/c I don't want to be embarassed, I dont want to have to explain on his behalf, I dont want to have my going out time ruined AGAIN. I feel selfish.
But I don't leave.
I can sit here and tell you how kind he is, and how adorable he is, and his smile lights up a room and he's very sweet and loving...but he has zero ability to handle his emotions and I know this.
he has never followed through with the promises of couseling, couples counseling, promised to help pay legal fees, weekly drug tests, quitting pot, etc.
I HAVE - and I know I was the only one in control of this - but I got in severe legal trouble over him, I have lost money, and one weekend when I wouldn't see him because how far gone he really was - some girl kissed him & I have become an emotional mess. What is wrong with me?
I have read melody beattie, and It does help - i do get through days...
I just can't rationalize life's hard times to be so hard that you give up on love. If I left and something did happen to him, or if I left and he found someone else that wanted him. I would feel weak, like I wasn't strong enough to support him through his tough times. Why would I go through all this, Why? Maybe I should be posting in the mental health section
:praying