KayM

No, I guess I have a lot to learn about the acronyms! I meant ex-substance-abuser. He's my current husband and, if I'm being completely honest, he still abuses but SO insignificantly, compared to his past, that I don't consider it our problem. It's the lying, hiding, anger and just general inability to be honest with anyone, or develop any moral code at all that are our main problems. I come to this board because there are still foundations, in this, in his previous abuse.

I am actually an ex-addict, too: alcohol. Twelve-step programs did not work, for me, though they helped me realize I wasn't the only one in the world with my situations. 12 Step programs didn't help me because I always felt different which, I now know, a 12 step program could've helped me overcome. So, to a certain extent, I don't think my husband's wrong when he thinks I'm controlling -- I have an inherent deep-seated need to control -- ESPECIALLY when confronted with someone who seems rebel against ANY control -- who gives no apparent thought to the implication of his behaviors. But, you're right -- what I'd really love is compromise. Our compromises have always been, I'll rag on you to stop doing something, you tell me you will though we both know it's a lie, and I'll continue to delude myself that you did stop until confronted with evidence that you haven't, at which time we start the dance all over again.

I think just reading others stories and strategies here might go a long way toward helping me -- though, I think, I probably really have to get into therapy, too. I first have to figure out why I resist therapy.