Thread: alone and cold
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Old 01-19-2008, 06:55 PM
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joyfulnoiz
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: oxford, pa
Posts: 31
alone and cold

i'm pretty new here. i've been reading the posts for the last few weeks and i love what you all have to say. sorry this is so long.
i'm trying to come to a better understanding of what the heck is going on in my life. i have been married to my ah for 20 years and we were together for 10 years before that. we have two sons, 20 and 15 who are both good students, good kids, one in college and one in high school. my ah has only been drinking for the last 4 years or so. before that he was getting stoned since about the age of 15 or so. i grew up in a good natured happy family, no history of addiction or abuse.
i don't understand why i got mixed up in the situation i am now in. he was diagnosed with severe depression about 12 years ago, went to councelling and started meds. then he stopped. since then, it has just been one thing after the other. there was the computer porno addiction, the phone chat escapade, more depression/bipolar episodes, then he started to drink. i have kicked him out twice before, before he started to drink,but he has come back. when he asked what i wanted, i just told him he needed to grow up.
now he is drunk all the time. i honestly don't know what his boss must be thinking, he reeks of beer at all hours of the day. and he has started "hoarding". our bedroom, where i no longer sleep, is full of cardboard boxes of junk, as is the cellar, garage,barn and wagonshed.
about a year ago, i called his brother, who came to visit and took ah to doctor, then helped get him into outpatient rehab for a couple of weeks. after about a month he started back with the drink.
during this time, he inherited a chunk of money from his family. he was drunk when we went to invest it, and now complains that he doesn't know where his money is or how to get to it (altho he found it when he wanted to buy a new motorcycle) he complains when i spend money on the house for plumbing and repairs altho we have been living with no central heat for 26 years(we heat with a woodstove and he used to split the wood, but now doesn't do that and we don't have anymore than enough for this winter). we could afford to put some in now, but he gets beligerent when i bring it up.
i have been to talk to a lawyer who advised me to get the heat in before i boot him out. i am waiting for the heating contractor to give me a start date.
in the mean time, he comes home and goes to bed and passes out. he makes a drunken mess and gets mad when i tell him to clean it up. he drives all over the yard listening to the radio in his car with the heater on because the house is so cold. today, he was blowing the horn at some pigeons flying over the pasture.
both our sons have told me to get rid of him.
i am looking forward to the day, but am completely out of patience. al-anon has been a Godsend for me.
it is not a problem to detach from someone i no longer love, but just a very sad process to watch this person be devoured by the disease.
any insight would be appreciated.
i'm tired of being angry and resentful, i'm basically a happy person.
:chatter
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