Hey CypGirl, as everyone says you've come to the right place to find support and share the things that you can't share with your friends or family.
In reading your posting, it strikes me that you really probably do know the answers to your questions, deep inside your heart. You just may not be ready to listen, which is OK too. We've all been there.
In many ways I wish I had disentangled from my AH early in our marriage when I saw some red flags. It would have been so much less complicated than when we have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 dogs, car payments, college tuition, etc.
But it's up to you to decide how you want to live your life and what your boundaries are. Regardless you've landed in a good place for support, advice, hugs, and a shoulder to lean on.