Hey KayM,
So glad you've found SR. It's a great place for support, so I hope you'll stick around and read all the good stuff here and post some more.
Funny thing you mentioned this because we discussed this very thing at my Al Anon meeting tonight. Why is it WE have to change if THEY have the problem? Well, after reading here and attending at least 6 Al Anon meetings, I started realizing that it can't always be the other person's fault. So obviously I was playing a part in the mess in some way.
Now that does not mean that I am the cause his my AD's addiction. Remember this: you did not CAUSE his addiction; you can't CURE his addiction; and your can't CONTROL his addiction.
As I kept attending meetings and reading here, I found more than a few character defects in myself. NO, I DID NOT WANT TO LEARN THAT. It was easier to blame her (my AD). But as time went on, I did need to face the problems I had and make a change if I wanted to improve my life.
You see, recovery is about making your life better. Your ex-SA has to do the work in his own life. There is NOTHING you can do to cure his disease. But you can change yourself and your attitude about all of this.
Maybe you could find a meeting and attend. We suggest you attend at least six before you decide they're not for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In