hi kay,
not sure what ex-SA is. is that ex-sober addict? meaning he is using?
if so, then most people who know practicing addicts will say that you always set yourself up when you are argue with them, and that inevitably the addict will call you controlling. he is essentially controlling your life and your relationship, but he will always project that need to dominate onto you.
i am always uncomfortable when people want to label all partners of addicts "controlling". it comes up in a lot of recovery literature. because to me, the word "control" implies arrogance and the need to dominate: pure addict qualities. and i KNOW that what spouses of addicts really long for and dream of is COMPROMISE....as all healthy couples do.
so, i prefer the word "reacting". and reacting to an addict's insane behaviors and language will surely make one look and feel crazy.
if he is using, the best thing to do is not let him bait you. keep reading others' stories so you can strengthen and be clear. you need large doses of sanity in your life, if he is actively using. you will get that from people in recovery.
take care.