hang in there. It's all just really really tough and it's a lot of staying on the fence. When they do well it is hard not to falter. I wish that RAH and I had had some space between us when he was in early recovery. Sometimes the closeness made things more "raw" than they needed to be. You are in the place where I really had to rely on "if in doubt, don't", "more will be revealed", and developing my faith. I had a whole lot of fears at that time and it helped me to be involved in my own program.
Be gentle with yourself - you've gone through a lot and are still going through a lot.
Thinking about you - Donna