Hi Yellow,
One thing I can tell you is that I have suffered anxiety all my life. I know it stems from being acoa. We go through so many weird and evil things as children, then without training, we are thrust in to the real world to live and try to make it. No wonder we are full of anxiety! I thought I was going to die at least once a week from severe anxiety.
Lots of alanon training, and these boards have helped me to over come most of it.
I had a morbid and terrifying fear of getting in a car as a passenger. Can you imagine how it was for me, a manager, to have to get into a car with the uppity ups? I had to be medicated to take a 10 minute drive! I am at least 75% better in that area. I don't have to be medicated!!
I hear the pain in your post. I wish I had a momma who would stop complaining and have something nice to say. But, there is absolutely nothing I can do about what she chooses to say and do. I ignore her as much as I can.
Even though they aren't the best people on earth, they are after all, our mother. And we love them no matter what they do to themselves.
I wish I could take away your pain. Please don't blame yourself for any of it.
It's ok not to feel guilty! It's ok to say to yourself that there was nothing you could have done that would ever have made a difference in her drinking and drugging.