you can go back and do anything over? no decision is final? i'm really not grasping this one yet. i have to be honest. i think it is a real trigger for me, because as i stated before i could not go back and undo the mistakes i made in a past relationship. or maybe i don't know how to do that? the fact that i could not have a second chance or a do over in that relationship has caused me much agony and now because of my recent decisions i am feeling like i might not have a second chance again at another relationship that could be healthy. i have not been able to undo things in the past. i have not been able to take back my mistakes.
to me this implies actions do not have consequences and lord knows there have been plenty of consequences for my actions.
i think i am stuck in my marriage because of fear. moving out, getting divorce just seems so permanent to me, so final. it is isn't it? i know there is no guarentee if i did that that ah would ever have me back. i really fear that i would make a bad choice-the wrong decision. i don't want to fool myself into thinking that if i leave it would not be permanent and that i might not have regrets.
i know i fear rejection because i have suffered a lot of it. i fear the unknown. the what could be's.
right now i just feel like i am in observation mode. i am just observing and letting things be. i am finding some peace in this. i think i am just waiting for something to happen. humm, as i write that i am thinking, is that really living though??? just waiting and seeing? it doesn't sound like living to me.
organization, yes, i need to just throw things out. i did some of that Christmas. i had things that were never used stuffed in a room and i gave them as Christmas presents.
commitment... i think i fear it because i know that once i commit to someone or something i give everything to that person or thing, which for me has not always been a good thing. commitments, have been final for me too. once i latch on to something, i don't let it go, at least not easliy and that has caused me problems also. in a sense, i stay stuck in it.