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Old 12-26-2007, 08:17 PM
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rhock
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 5
Newbie in need of some insight

Hello all.

I'm new here but I've been reading for a while.

I'll just dive in. I live with a woman who was previously married to an addict. She has two daughters. Once lives with us and one is 20 and lives on her own.

I'll call my wife my wife although we're not married. We've been together for about ten years, and have lived together for three.

In the past we've had some of what I would call typical communication problems - no marriage is perfect.

Lately we've been having some problems that are getting more pointed. One of my great friends is in recovery (AA) and I've been communicating with him about some of our problems. He's told me that he thinks my wife is codependent based on the kinds of things she says and the problems we have.

I should start by saying that I am a fiercly autonymous person. Autonymous to a fault I believe. I'm self-employed, I lived alone since I was 22 and had no serious relationships until I met my wife ten years ago. Not until my wife and I moved in together had I lived with anyone since college.

In that time I've grown to value my freedome above all else. This doesn't mean I'm not accountable - I take care of my family. I make sure I check in and answer questions about my life. I share my life with her, my fears abotu family, life etc.. I'm just saying that while I'm VERY independent - I make sure I don't impinge on others and I TRY not to be closed off or distant.

Lately I've been reading about codependence to understand it and some situations with my wife have occued to me:

First, whenever my wife and I have an argument and I tell her how I feel about something she says or does, she says she's "screwed" up and she'll just shut up. My friend in recovery says this sounds like "her playing the victim" instead of listening to what I'm saying about how I feel about what she says or does.

Second, it seems that when I demonstrate my autonomy in a way that my wife doesn't appreciate she gets upset. For example, this Christmas I decided to buy my mom and new stepfather a Christmas present. This is in addition to the gift my wife and I bought for them together. My wife got very upset and told me that I didn't care how the fact that I bought my step-dad a gift made her look. I explained to her that I understand that my getting them a gift had the unintended consequence of making her feel bad, and I was totally willing to help her with that effect. I just didn't think it was right for me to deny what I wanted to do for my new stepfather (my frist christmas gift to him) because it might make HER feel bad.

Another example: recently I needed to schedule a Doctors appointment to have a mole looked at. (I've had this mole for 14 years and it's been fine, it just recently started changing). My wife asked if I had scheduled the appointment. Well, I just got new insurnace and wasn't really familiar with my policy to know I'd only have a $20 deductible. I said "no, I've been a little short of cash so I just can't go right now." My wife responded "YOU HAVE THE MONEY FOR DRUM STICKS (I'm a professional musician and drumsticks wear out) BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE DOCTOR? THAT'S STUPID!" She didn't offer to help me with the household bills that were occupying my cash that month, didn't offer the $20 deductible to me. Just ridiculed me for spending money on something I chose to spend money on instead of going to the doctor.

Finally, my wife was in a marriage for about 13 with a man who was and still is an addict. Her family has a history of alcohol abuse. In our current situation she feels responsible for every trial and tribulation her daughters have. A child of a single mom myself, I understand this. It makes her prone to bouts of depression.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I think my friend is right. I think my wife may have co-dependent traits. Well, let me put it this way: I think when's she's having a good day my wife is very caring, helpful, and supportive. But when she's not having a good day, or going through a depressive patch my wife exhibits traits of codependency.

I'm not trying to diagnose, but I'm trying to get some help and advice from anyone.

What can I do to help her and to cope myself with this situation. IF this is true, what is a very autonymous person like myself to do in a relationship with someone who can be very codependent. I can see where - if this is the case - this life can be very frustrating for my wife. Her oldest is moved out, her youngest is a pre-teen. She's in a relationship with a very independent and self-reliant person (I have more than my own fair share of problems asking for help and admitting I need it). Even on her best days she doesn't have the pool of important people in her life who NEED her. I can understand all of this from her perspective - whether she realizes these things or not.

This frustration spills over into these other areas of our life -- things like christmas presents or doctors appointments, etc.. I didn't think this had been this kind of problem for the past 10 years. But as I reflect back on my journals I see that there have been these kinds of situations throughout our relationship and they all tend to emanate from these kinds of arguments.

So, my question is, where do I start? I look inward. I'm a huge advocate of Robert Pirsig's principle that the cycle you're working on is yourself. Do any of you have any suggestions for things I can look at myself to help me cope with this situation? Or any suggestions at all?

Thanks
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