Hello Farmgirl!
Welcome to the recovery forum.
I have recommended this book so many times, I believe I am in danger of breaking the "no advertising" rule. "The Seashell People" by Martha Horton. It's about people who have trouble functioning emotionally in adulthood that can be traced back to a time when they stopped growing emotionally in childhood. The way you feel about being "bad", and the fact that you have felt that way since you were little makes me think there may be something for you in this book. There was for me.
There are other people here who feel the way you do, whether it's a mood that comes on them, or just an underlying feeling of unworthiness. You are not alone, and I know they'll be along to share their stories with you shortly.
Please keep posting and hang out here with us! This group makes me feel better every time I come here. And by the way, just in reading your post, I can start the list of good things about you. You are modest, considerate and well spoken. If you need me to pull examples from what you wrote to illustrate how I came to this conclusion, I can, I will.
Hugs!
Smoke