help
I am new here, I happened on it by accident, a fotunate accident I would say. I am currently in therapy for my codepenncy issues. I didn't start therpay because of my husband's problem, I started it because of problems with work. Though I found that this thing, co-depenency that was inside of me and had nothing to do with the fact my husband drinks. The codependency permeated my whole life, not just my realtionship with him. In my last long term relationship before I met my husband, my past boyfriend refused to drink, not because he was in recovery or a hard core Christan or anything but for his own reasons. Yet I was still a co-dependent with him as much as I am with my husband now. I had problems at work because I was co-depenent, I had problems with friendship becase I was co-dependent.
This was my problem all by itself and had absolutely nothing to do with him. I found that I was addicted to him, because I didn't have to face my own problems when I could obsess about his. I went back to the beginning. I went back to where my problems started.
Right now though I'm so stuck. I'm having this huge identity crisis. I've admitted that ever since I was little I felt "I was bad."
Okay so that is out in the open, great. Now I should be on a path to fix myself. Right? Once that is done then I can deal with how I want to handle my marriage.
I am so stuck. I can't get past this feeling. I can't figure out what is good about me. I can't even figure out what is REAL about me. So many of my accomplisments were done for all of the wrong reasons. I was playing a role. Everything I was proud of doing I found out was really just part of some twisted role I was playing.
Right now the only thing I have is that I am tall, very tall. Over six foot. Nobody and nothing can take that away. Everything that is in my personality because I am tall is real. Good bad or otherwise.
I have my faith, but truthfully now I find out that my view of God is probably pretty skewed by this problem. I can't even really pray. I'm scared to pray for some reason.
I've found a lack of people whO I can really ask for help in all of this. I don't know what I think I will accomplish by putting this information out there into the world. But maybe, just maybe...