Ray, sounds like you need a hug today, Girlfriend. ((((((((Ray)))))))))
We have shared some very intimate feelings here over the last year and a half or so. If I had to guess, it sounds like you are making sure there is plenty of armor around your heart. While they are gone, we have challenges, but we basically can live without hurting all the time. You are looking forward to his coming home about as much as anticipating a root canal.
A year ago August, I had just come home from an Al-Anon convention where I had heard a wonderful AA speaker. He said that when he and his X-wife were having trouble, he prayed about it. He said his prayer went something like,
"God, if we are meant to be together, keep us together.
If we are meant to be apart, move us apart.
If I am not meant to know yet, give me patience and peace."
I knew I needed to do something to ease my pain, so I thought, "it can't hurt." I decided to put our relationship into higher hands. I didn't want it to drive me crazy anymore. Because, as he pointed out in his talk, it isn't the not knowing that makes us sick, it is the NEED to know.
By the way, when I came home from that convention, I prayed that prayer fervently that Sunday night............and it was the following Monday morning that they took my XAH away to jail. Hmmmmmm. Maybe it was just coincidence, but you will never convince me of that.
You can't find out how it is going to work out until he actually gets home, but you have put yourself through a whole lot of pain worrying about it in advance. I know we don't give advice here, but I highly recommend that prayer.
Sadness, that might be a good prayer for you to try, too. Let a higher power sort it out for you.
Y'all have a great day.
I love you guys,
Babs