I sometimes think the same thing . My AH is very good at making me the guilty party and manipulating me. I think that we think we are idiots b/c we don't leave, and we can. But we say we love them... sometimes especially lately i think that maybe part of loving is letting go. Sometimes i feel we get in the way. we cousion their falls. Maybe If i would Of left my AH years ago, maybe he would be clean today. I think this b/c i am always there, so he won't hurt and will not realize the hurt he is doing to himself. Sure i let him know.. but then i pat him on the back, and maybe he feels all is forgiven. I think with the drugs, they become numb to us. not really knowing what they are doing to the people in their lives, drugs make you care less. A fog i guess. Don't balme yourself , for loving someone, we can't help who we love. Sometimes It is good to not worry about things you have no control over.. maybe after work you go home... if it is unpleasant then leave.. i like to go to the library and sit next to the fire, or if you are sad, maybe a walk would be nice. I call it a walk with my HP. helps to soothe me. I hope all is well. try not to worry to much. and remember this too shall pass. (eventually)