I Need Family Help
You know, I spend so much time working for my clients that there is often too little time for me. But today I am turning to you, my new friends, for thoughts on how to deal constructively with a family situation. I hope that this is the correct forum.
Both my wife and I are members of AA. I have over 5 years, she has over 9 years. She did her first 4.5 by staying at home, but found AA at the same time that I did. So, we're about equal. Regardless, we would be equal because we only have today.
Last September we were married. It was a beautiful wedding and our life together looked promising. When we married I became the only father her two girls have ever known. One is 9, the other 7. Initial challenges of authority bounced back and forth, but as the adult, I won ( think.)
I work from my home. I own and operate a successful mobile DJ business averaging $1300 for 4 hours. There is work that comes with the paycheck. I also own a growing web design business. Both businesses keep me at the computer for long stretches during the day. My work day is usually 10am until about 3am with some time off for dinner and resting. To make matters worse, my web design partner relapsed and I'm doing this alone and managing some of his affairs. I am beat.
But invariably, at 4pm every day the wife pulls up with the kids and all hell breaks loose. Fighting over homework, fighting over chores, fighting with each other, waking our 5 month old baby and getting her screaming, clothing strewn about the house, temper tantrums, non-stop whining -- Allison did this, Angela did that. The wife screams at the kids. I yell at the kids to knock it off because I am trying to work, or I'm on the phone (it rings all day and at 4pm the house line begins to ring as well.) And now I'm in the doghouse for yelling at the kids, but their mother can. My 7 year old came in with a portable radio playing very loudly and startled me. I snapped at her to turn it off or take it outside. Wrong thing to say. Now the wife is ticked off. It seems that my 7 years old was coming to ask me a "Daddy" question. I am not a mind-reader and responded to being startled.
We live in a small, 2-bedroom home. It's all that we can afford and my office is in the living room. It is a tough situation. I have tried stopping work at 4pm and going for a walk, but there is just so much to do. I have nowhere else to work; the kids can play in their room or in the yard. But all I have is my desk.
I also suffer from PTSD where I was so mentally abused at a "real job" that I no longer have the coping skills that I once had. I was "outted" by my boss and discriminated against as an alcoholic and it mushroomed from there. Each day is a struggle for me to maintain balance without getting loaded. I also no longer have booze or drugs to help me through the day, nor the desire to turn to them. My inability to properly address my stress is now being thrown in my face. My doctor has me on meds., but I think that they add to the condition (Trazadone.)
The other morning my wife left me a three page letter on the computer telling me that she and her girls think of me as a monster. This truly is an exageration and the words hurt terribly. I had asked her the night before what was wrong and she lied and said nothing. I woke to a letter. Great communication, eh?
The truth is that I own my part in the situation. I have sworn off coffee, except for an occasional cup of decaf. I am trying to quit smoking. Both are stimulants. I am trying to cut my work day down to less than 16-18 hours, but it is tough. I have well paying clients that want my work and it helps feed my family. All of the yelling and fighting with the kids HAS caused me to become irritable too much of the time. The wife expects me to simply accept this as how it is when you have kids. True to some extent, but I don't believe totally. Even before we got married I told my wife that I couldn't deal with her snapping at her kids and using sarcasm, but now I have fallen into the same parent trap.
I need to change this. But I also need to set boundaries for my wife and the kids as long as I have to work in the living room.
But where is a fair boundary? What can I do? What more can I do? What should I expect as a natural return, not a tit for tat exchange?
It is difficult for me to write these words here since many of you seem to think of me as a magician with this site. But there is a person behind the keyboard that is hurting right now and I need some Good Orderly Direction (GOD).