But would not the greatest love of all be the parent who encourages recovery by completely restricting the relationship with the addict child? Has anyone here been strong enough to try this strategy?
I keep thinking it's like telling him his behavior is okay...
We had them arrested
We didn't post bail
We didn't visit in jail
We didn't go to court
We had them institutionalized
We helped them find free treatment and rehabs
We kicked them out and they lived on the streets
We let them go hungry
We made them walk everywhere and didn't give them rides
We let them go without clothes and shelter
We set limits on phone calls or changed the phone number
We didn't give money or gifts
We got restraining orders
We broke all contact
Some of them are in recovery, some are still active, and some are no longer with us.
We bailed them out of jail
We went to court and wrote letters to the judge
We paid for their lawyer
We paid for treatment and rehabs
We sat in hospital emergency rooms
We let them live with us
We fed them when they were hungry
We bought them clothes and gifts
We found them jobs
We helped them get cars
Some of them are in recovery, some are still active, and some are no longer with us.
I have not found a magic strategy that will cure our loved one's alcohol or drug addiction. I tried everything for years to find the cure for my son. I finally realized I was powerless over my son's addiction and recovery and I had to set boundaries to keep myself alive and sane. I found the right balance that works in my life. Some need to break contact completely. Others find a balance that allows contact. It's individual and there are no rules.
You have a very difficult situation. Your step son's grandparents are meeting his every need. Your wife is probably struggling with some codependent issues. It's very difficult being the mother of a young addict. It's normal to want to buy our children an Xbox 360 for Christmas. The changes we have to make are not "normal" and it takes time to learn about addiction and adjust our behavior accordingly. You probably want to find solutions for all involved and that puts you in a codependent role also. This is why they call addiction a family disease.
I found I knew nothing about addiction after joining the forum. I had to throw all my preconceived ideas and judgments out the window. I learned to let go of my son's recovery and learned to set boundaries that kept my life as sane as possible. I learned to treat my son with respect even though he was an addict. I learned ways of expressing my love and keeping my boundaries in place at the same time. I found a good balance that worked in my life. That may not work for everyone.
My son found a way to buy his drugs with or without an Xbox. My son remained an addict with or without an Xbox. My son hit bottom even though I bought him food and a jacket and shoes.
I can live with the choices I made. I hit bottom and had to save myself and set boundaries. Until then my codependency beat me to death. I would have given my life to save my son. I finally realized that not even that would save him from his addiction. We were both going under and I had to choose to save myself by letting go and swimming to shore. I threw him a life raft whenever I could. I couldn't make him get on it. He did finally reach out and yelled for help. He now has 8 months clean and sober. He gets all the credit for what he has accomplished.
There are lots of resources for family and friends. Al-anon, Nar-anon, and other groups. There are books and lots of reading on this forum. Take some time and learn all you can about addiction and find support so it doesn't tear your family apart. Hearing someone else tell us what we should do doesn't always work. Sometimes we do better making informed decisions. It's easier to make decisions when we know why we are making them.
Hugs,
MG