oneeyeopen

sometimes it just seems like there is a gulf between the non-addict and the addict that is just so sos sososos HUGE.

I mean, it is not unusual for two people to have two different perceptions of things, but, wow, can the addict have a totally different interpretation.

Today I was told all about what a sh*t I am for abandoning the addict when he was at his lowest point.. (and was he? Is the needle use truly his bottom, because, I have learned that bottom is a whole lot further down than I could ever imagine). He tried all sorts of ways to move the onus of this on me rather than him.

I think addicts purposely seek out compassionate, strong people who will tolerate and accept and understand and stick by them no matter what. Christ, they do what they do to us, lie, steal, etc etc, and then when we finally stand up for ourselves and say no more, we turn into the worst monsters on earth.

I am NOT A BAD PERSON!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, I think that the year long understanding and compassion for him I have shown displays exactly the opposite, the tolerance, the forgiving, the try again, the new chance, the rescuing, does that sound like a evil bitch???

I know a lot of us hope that someday, somehow, we will receive a form of recognition for the effort we have put into saving that person, for sticking by, for trying to have a normal relationship even though the addict was in zombie land...

But cripes, don't hold your breath.

I keep trying to give myself credit, say to myself, you gave it your all, you did what any humane, caring, kind person would, don't let his addict-anger convince you otherwise.

Now if he came to me and said "you were stupid for staying with me, you should tossed me out a long time ago, I wish you had been strong enough to stop enabling sooner" that would be a whole other thing, I would agree to that.

I remember someone wrote, a long long time ago, that her exabf came to her later on and said that her throwing him out was the best thing that ever happened. I can't imagine the addict in my life ever coming to me and saying that...but you know, maybe I can at least say that to myself at some point.

Today it still feels like the right thing to do, Yet I feel that old codie pull, the one that wants to placate him, the one that wants to forgive and forget, and pretend we are like any other couple and that we go to the movies together, or that there is a need for me to buy sexy lingere, or that he might come over and help me put up a towel rack like he promised to do ages ago...(another question -- why is is so hard for an addict to just help you with some things around the house?)