We ceratinly are! I keep thinking that if I go ahead and let him come back, he will start drinking. I keep thinking this is just another "ploy" to get me back. I can't get through my head how someone can love or even care about you and do all the things he has done. But, I have told myself that no one had to define my relationship with him, who knows what will happen. We are functioning from separate homes and work together and raise children togther. Right now, it had been good for his sobriety. I keep thinking that the longer he keeps up with the AA, if he is going just to get me back, maybe that will change.
He doesn't hate you. They just don't know how to love us. They don't know how to love themselves. The one thing that I have realized about this whole journey is that is isnt about me. It never has been. They do absolutely ridiculous things when they are drinking, how can you expect them to be able to provide us with any sense of normalcy? You live in survival mode so long you forget how to live, and you settle for the crumbs. What ever they throw at you to make sure there is still hope there. You question why am i not enough? Why is our family not enough? How could he do this to us? Truth is he is doing it to himself. No matter who you are, if you were thinner, prettier, smarter, it wouldnt matter, its not about you, its about him!!!
My ex was always so judgemental of me and people around him because it made him not seem so bad. Yours is only calling you names and acting like its because of you because he needs someone to blame for his alcoholism. That is why AA stresses so much taking responsibility for themselves. Its kind of a dog ate my homework thing. Blame everyone except themselves. Because if it is their fault then THEY have to do something about it.
I know it is very difficult to run the business when he is off "enjoying" himself. I was always the worker and my ex was always the spender. As far as your selfishness, that again is to make you feel that the crumbs are good. But when I really examined our relationship, I wasnt even getting the basics, the givens. Honesty, faithfulness, respect, love. I know too it is hard to find something to do for yourself, i got to a point with some of my friends where it was difficult for them to be friends with me. It was the same old story, guess what he did now? I am leaving . and then the next thing you know things were good again. They got tired of seeing me suffer and couldnt understand how easily I could get sucked back in. As far as the family goes, no matter what, that is their relative. I know it is so painful to be really trying your best for someone and putting up with so much bull and not be supported for it. My exs mother went as far as calling me up and telling me she knows why I wont take him back, because I am a lesbian. (definately not!!) I asked her why she couldnt face the fact that I might want better for my life, like a man who didnt abuse me, cheat on me and not be passed out every night. Her response was maybe he will find someone that doesn't have migraine headaches (i have maybe 3 a year). It is SO crazy!! But if you look at it realistically they are making excuses for him, like we do.
It is so hard to focus on ourselves, becaue everything we do is controlled by their actions, mood, sobriety..ect. You will actually have to LEARN to think about yourself again. When I told my ex to leave, I went to town on my house, painted the bathroom, the kitchen, redecorated the playroom. Try working on putting your energy into something that you will get something out of!! My house looks terrific
(even if I am not the best painter)!! Or simply just go out to the store and get yourself a new holiday decoration. Find the words to the Evanesence song "call me when you are sober" and read them. Very good. I actually changed his ringtone to that song.
The only thing that YOU can control is YOUR actions.