oneeyeopen

I was thinking this morning about why I called the exabf the other day (I wanted to know he was okay). I continue to have these vague moments where I think about calling or some sort of contact. But this morning I realized, what is the point of that? There is only one reason to stay in contact and that is to stay in a relationship. I can't say that I don't want to eventually have a relationship with him again, but since I can't say that I do want to, I see no reason to remain in contact with him. I know that tomorrow he starts his treatment (and we all know that between now and then he could be out of his parents place and off doing drugs...) and I figure, it is best for him to do that program on his own, and it is best for me to steer clear of him, and the time apart will help me figure things out (and honestly, I still do not know which way I will go, but for now I know one thing for sure -- i am no longer the girlfriend of an active addict, period.

He tried one of his favorite manipulation tactics the other day and told me I should figure out what I wanted before the window closes (they figure out how to hold our addiction to them hostage by threatening to take away our DOC--them) and you know what I said--"if it closes then so be it" and then I thought to myself, honey, it already closed.

I can finally see that all the stuff I did for him, thinking I was helping, was just hindering. It is the absolute truth that the best thing we can do for the addict in our lives is to just get out of the way, and stop enabling. Cripes, I was even at the point where I would lend him money to buy bottles of vodka, and even drive him to the market to get it, let him drink it at my house, all because I figured that was better than him going out on his own and potentially ending up in a crack house. What a good little codie I was!

So, does absence make the heart grow fonder or will it make me see that I am perfectly fine without him? So far I must say it looks like it is falling on the fine without him side of things, and I just can not, for the life of me, get those images of him at the crack house and the needle marks on his arm out of my head, I can not get around the disgust of that.

But right now, the MOST important thing is to -- forgive myself, move on, focus on what i need to do, my priorities, etc.

I have been listening to all these podcasts of my favorite public radio shows lately, mostly interviews with all sorts of people who have written books, or made movies, or discovered something, and I keep thinking, wow, how cool it would be to be invovled with someone who actually does something! what a concept, and then I realized that they are the majority, that most people do do something, and I have just been so immersed in this world of the addict who sleeps, eats a bit, and then uses and, I mean, my exabf would perhaps watch TV or read some news on the internet, and that was it, I kept thinking, what can we talk about????

HA, life is funny that way...take a girl like me, who loves to read, keeps up with current events, etc, and put her with an addict who can't see straight most of the time...Maybe it was about the sex, which honestly, after the relapse started wasn't all that often anyway.