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Old 11-11-2007, 11:44 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
BigSis
On a tear
 
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I couldn't detach with love... so I detached with anger. Either way, I had to get 'unenmeshed' from trying to control the outcomes of my children's lives.

For a long time, I held onto anger regarding neither of my kids attending college. I learned a long time ago that education was the one "Way Out" of Working Class. I didn't go, but I put aside little bits of money each and every month - that could just as easily gone toward diapers and baby food and bills back then.

But education was important! So I saved, and sacrificed.

When they didn't go, I got mad. We spent the money on rehabs and counseling. And I thought I was "over it"... but I got angry each time I talked about it! There was still a little money left in my education account.

One day, I took it out and blew it all on permanent make up. Eyebrows, lips and eyeliner. Nearly $1,500 dollars worth!! (I hardly ever buy ANYthing for me, so this was extravagant to the extreme!).

Two things happened. 1. I liked the look. 2. I stopped being angry.

I think it was that little bit of money sitting there... reminding me how much was wasted on things other than college that was triggering me. By putting ME first in such a non-important way (it didn't go for MY education, but my MAKE UP... egad! What foolishness!)... but by spending that money on ME - I was able to let go of the resentment.

And *I* felt better!

Some other things I do - is to try really hard to reduce my expectation around whatever it is that is triggering me.

For example, I used to imagine the family all coming to MY house on a weekend (like maybe on Sunday?) and spending time with ME the way my folks spent time with my grandma back in the 60's. But the truth of it is, I DON'T want my kids around if they are resentful or not sober themselves. So I need to stop allowing myself to even have that fantasy... if it starts to come into my mind, I need to immediately replace it with something else.

These sort of mind games do work... but they take practice.

I wish you the best.


((hugs))
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