The Emotional Roller Coaster
I have posted a couple times now about how I have recently left my functioning AH. I read all these posts about the physical and mental abuse that people have been surviving and living with and thank goodness that I havn't let my life get to that point.
My AH is functioning, he is not abusive, he is not mean. While he is having a hard time dealing with the reality that his wife is leaving him due to his drinking, he seems to change his tactics every minute - one minute I'm receiving messages that he loves me and is trying to get help and will do anything for me, and the next minute I'm receiving messages about how awful I am to him and alluding to the fact that he thinks I'm having an affair.
I recognize that he is just looking for any and all excuses to blame this on me so that he does not have to deal with the truth that it is totally HIM and that would force him to deal with his own issues.
I know all this logically. And I know what I have to do. He may be functioning now, but I know that they don't stay functioning forever. And I don't plan to be around for the days when he stops functioning and starts spiraling out of control.
It's so strange though...my emotions are on a real roller coaster. While I can be all logical and recognize I'm doing the right thing, and know that all the nice things are just his tactics to get me back, which would do nothing to make things better. But the emotions...I spent all evening crying last night. I don't even know why I was crying...but I was crying...I can't wait to just feel normal again. To feel happy. I'm sick of feeling like this. I know I have no reason to feel guilt, but I do. I know I should be happy for the future ahead of me, but I'm sad. And I just wish I could fast forward the next 6 months of my life.
Trying to meet with him on Saturday to get him to sign the papers to sell the house. I'm pretty sure he's going to do everything he can to try and delay and I just want to do it all as quickly as possible...I can't wait until I'm living in my own place, my own space...
Anyways, thanks for listening. Just sick of crying and feeling this pain. So many different kinds of pain. Sick and tired of feeling sad.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It helps me get through each day.
Dakota.