Bella, I have been where you are at and by the 7th year I was before the first drink and had no defense. What followed was 4 years of a vicious cycle of drinking stopping, drinking stopping, witht he last year being one long binge. I tried the "just not drinking" until I could just not stand myself any longer. that's when I returned to AA almost 7 months ago. It was then that I was willing to go to any length neccesary to recover. I wanted it to be about just not drinking. I really did. But for a real alcoholic like myself it just doesn't work. So, the real question you have to ask yourself is are you a real alcoholic. If the answer is yes, then the only solution is a spiritual remedy. My experience with just not drinking, but not recovering was pure misery. Many a real alcoholics die an alcoholic death due this business of just not drinking. An alcoholic like myself suffers from a spiritual malady. We are driven by a hundred forms of fear and without a spiritual fix it is inevitable that we will drink again. I hope you find a path that will lead to recovery, because you describe exactly what I have experienced. A place I do not ever want to go back to.