Lobo, I hope you can back up, circle around and come back to step 1...we admitted we were powerlesss....I make that circle often; fortunately time and program help me realize it much faster than I used to....
Your posts sound filled with projection...what if's and whys. Remember the hoola hoop? If it is inside the hoolahoop, it is yours...if it is outside, it isn't. All this stuff sounds outside your hoola hoop. It is hard and scary to love our kids in a way that lets them take care of their own hoola hoops.
One thing I had to work on when I learned to shut my mouth, was to get rid of "the look" too...The look implied I am not going to say anything but I sure feel you acted stupid or irresponsible and if you just listened to me.... It helped me to think, is that what i would do if something like this happened to my best friend? Nope...I'd listen if she wanted to talk and be supportive and non judgemental...Why is it any different just because it is my child? I love her beyond words but that doesn't mean I have a right to judge her. Judging her doesn't protect her from slipping or relapsing. I can establish boundaries for me, not boundaries to control her recovery.
Sorry, this is garbled, but I had so many thoughts as I read your post...been there, done that...Hugs and prayers for both of you.