Hi,
Reading your post brought me back to a place where I never want to go again...I remember feeling the same way you are right now.
Here's how it was for me. My son is not only an addict but has been insulin dependent since he was a little boy. His being out there was twice...no-- many times worse than someone without diabetes. He could have used the wrong dose, not eaten enough, eaten too much, had a diabetic seizure- an immediate life threatening emergency, or a long term one due to neglect of proper health care.
I can remember the feeling in my core...of terror and helplessness.
As he continued to progress on his path to destroying himself, our family- especially his dad and I, began to see that we had to save ourselves inspite of what our son did. In many ways I was just being sucked down under and I HAD to stop.
When I finally got scared enough, and ready to save myself I began to do some serious detaching. I'll be honest and tell you that I also did this FOR my son's benefit. I knew that my actions were keeping him from owning his own consequences, and I was not respecting his choices. I felt that my 'helping' him was sending him a message that I really didn't have any confidence in him or his ability to do the right thing.
So it all stopped- gradually at first and we stepped things up as he got into more and deeper trouble. The last time I paid to get his car our of impound I felt such remorse. I knew that he had his car back and would go right back into 'that world' and possibly die-- because I helped him. I couldn't bear that. We finally stopped rescuing him. I did provide medical care for him and sometimes clothing and shoes. At that time he went 'missing' for about 2 months and I was afraid for his life.
The outcome? He had found people to stay with, he found rides to work and he found out what was in store for him in his future if he didn't stop. Alot of things happened to him that I never want to know about.
He got arrested, and took a 'deal' to attend a drug program while in jail. He chose to stay in jail almost a year and a 4 month outside program after that. He could have left jail at about 3 months after his arrest, had a record and could have continued his drug use. He's clean now, has a job and a lovely girlfriend.
If he was still out using today, I would still do the same thing because I want to keep my side of it clean and I must stay out of his business to stay healthy. Just like my son, I came to a point where I really had no other choice but to step back and survive.
I found out too, that I could do better than just survive it. I learned to work my recovery at a more deeper level than I had ever done before in the almost 10 years of my own experience with Alanon and my codependency issues.