((((easeful)))
Welcome!!
I can relate to all you are saying. My Ad, 21, is a junior at a university 100 miles from home. She is considered an adult by the school and therefore I have no access to her grades or what she does while at school. She was in the top 10 of her HS, she graduated with honors from a community college while living at home. She took various drugs throughout HS and CC. She graduated to heroin in CC and used for the first (last) year at University. And she is either using financial aid or loans to pay for her schooling, I don't pay for it.
She had her own money for drugs as she worked during HS and CC and last year. She tried detoxing at home a few times, she always went back to drugs. This summer she finally had enough and went to detox and rehab, she has been clean over 100 days now. It's hard when all the kids in her apartment at school are drinking or doing drugs. She told everyone at the beginning of the year that she does not do drugs or drink, anymore.
It's hard to control them when they are home and almost impossible when they are away. Is your son in a sober dorm? If not the chances are that he is doing something, but that depends on how strong he is. A sober dorm might be the answer for him.
If he is spending a lot of money and you have some control over it, I would limit the amount to $100 a week. If he runs out, oh well, sorry that's all you get. If he loses a book, runs out of gas, breaks his glasses, can't go on expensive dates then he will learn to live without. He will survive. Or turn it all over to him and tell him your money; make it last.
Part of my problem was I felt that I was still responsible for my daughter even though she was not responsible for herself. Then I realized that she had to learn sometime and now was the time. If I did it she didn't have to do it. Wrong way to think. If she has money and blows it, too bad get a job and earn more. If she blows it on clothes, food, drugs or whatever, I don't care. Her problem, not mine.
If this sounds harsh, it may be, but I call it learning the hard way. Was it hard for me to let go, it sure was, but it has helped her and it has helped me even more.
It's a mom thing I know, but he's a big boy and he needs to be pushed out of the nest. It's very hard when you know the kids are very intelligent and they do such dumb things............