Thanks Susan, I didn't look it up, but I get that I'm codependent and by that I mean, if my son is healthy and happy, I am too. If he's not, I'm not. I get it that, that is not an ok way to live.
The part I don't get is what I need to do or not do. I've known over the years that he was using. I've accepted that I could not control that. For most of this time he was a minor and I wasn't going to put him out on the street because I "knew" he was using. "Knew" is in quotes because the vast majority of the information I have comes directly from him. He's never been in trouble with the police. He's never been in trouble with a dealer, at least not that came to my attention. He's never been in trouble with school or with the dorm. He's very high functioning. He's banged his car up, I'm sure at least some of it was under the influence of something. The police were never involved. He's asked to have it fixed, I've told him it would get fixed when he pays for it himself.
I think where I'm going with this is, I accept I cannot control his drug use. Because I have a very clear view of alcoholism, I've never really tried. The "detoxes" we've gone through have been when he came to me and asked for supervision. I don't approve of the drugs. But I committed to college and he's doing college and he's doing it very, very well. He's the only kid we've had entering their second year with enough credits to be a jr. and in an honors program and with an academic scholarship still in place. Pulling the plug on college and "reasonable" (ie. not drugs costs) expenses feels to me like trying to impose my demands on someone else. Does that make sense? Does that sound reasonable? Or does it sound codependent and like rationalizations. Thanks.