Never.....I am thinking of you. I too am a single parent and have been from day 1, went through ALL of it by myself, her dad has seen her twice in her 3 1/2 yrs of life. I struggle with her and her defiance at me. I wonder why this why that, what is it going to be like when I'm at her graduation in a wheelchair cuz you know I'm so old....was 42 when I had her. My oldest is 22, I have a grandbaby. They live 350 miles away. That is sad that I don't see them more. My oldest was about 18 months or 2 yrs old when her dad & I got divorced. So I single parented then for a while too....only then I was drinking & drugging. She was never neglected or anything like that, she never went hungry or dirty or without a bed to sleep in. But I did neglect her of my time and attention for a while. Her father got to be managing conservator of her when she was about 4 or 5 and took her 350 miles away from me so I could not exercise my joint custody rights like I should have...not enough money to go down there every other weekend etc etc.....
I lived with the guilt over that for many years, many years that I kept covering it up with dope and stuff..... I too did not recognize my daughter at a time or two when she came up to me like Loves. We did see each other every spring break, every summer, every holiday (Thanksgiving & Christmas) like the papers said we could and I got down there several other weekends too. I still felt guilty and worthless and like a failure.
What I know today.....I did the best I could at the time. For years I resented the hell out of her father. Today I am grateful he was stable enough to provide what I couldn't during that time. We have a wonderful relationship now.
I have been trying the recovery deal since 1987. This year I finally celebrated 10 years clean & sober and I've grown a great deal.
I missed alot of her life, nothing I can do about it now. I make a living amends to her every day! With the young one I have now....whew, she's a pistol I tell ya....I do the best I can. I am the mother, the father, the playmate, the disciplinarian, the maid, cook all that stuff. It's hard, it's EXTREMELY hard. I have no financial support from anywhere except me.
The reason I tell you all this is to let you know you are not alone. I have struggled with depression so bad I couldn't work, I couldn't barely get out of bed, then I couldn't get out of my recliner, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stay awake, all I could do was sit and stare off into space. My doctor put me on Zoloft for a while....this was while I was pregnant with the 3 yr old because I could NOT function. It helped me tremendously....I don't have to take any anti depressants today.
People in the recovery programs helped me through tons and tons of all the feelings of guilt, resentments, shame, fears you name it.....and I have lots of work left to do.
I commend you on your accomplishments. It takes strong special people to carry on through the muck & the mire to get to the place where we can say ENOUGH! You have a lot to offer so many people and to your child. Please take care of you, give yourself a hug until you can get one in person at a meeting a support group somewhere...call the doctor or counselor soon please!
