Well....it sounds to me like you have gotten your life together ..and..you have come to realize what you missed out on all those years...you can't get back what you lost but you go certainly make up for it by making the rest of the years count. On another note, I am really worried about your depression and throughs of hurting yourself especially since you do work with children on a daily basis. I would honestly say that you need to seek professional help with your depression. I know...i don't like going to drs and talking about my problems because I always feel that I am strong enough to handle everything thrown my way...but...in a case such as yours..where you are awful drepressed....that would be my suggestion.