(((never))) I'm sorry you're struggling and feeling so much pain, I hope you'll see a doctor for the depression. It sounds like you're hurting so much.
I still have occasional days when I question my place on this earth, why God wanted me to suffer at all, what his will and purpose for me is in this life.
On the days when I have custody of my children God answers that question. He wants me to love them with all my heart, to protect them at all costs, and to share my life with them in recovery to the best of my ability. For now, that's all I have to know.
As for my career, it's merely a paycheck to put food on our table and keep a roof over our heads. My satisfaction in life comes from the gift of being of service in recovery, from having an amazing faith and trust in God, and most of all from the smiles, laughs, and love that I share with my children.
Prayers going out for you.......