NGU.. jut so you know.. in your posts here in the past you have helped me a great deal and I thank you.
OK.. now on to YOU and what YOU want. I do not know how old your son is, but I think you need to formulate a plan on spending time with him and getting to know him. I bet you will get to know YOU in the process. You are obviously a good worker and an organized thinker. I do not think you should quit working altogether but can you cut back on the work and get you some of your own down time?
If you are angry at your life (and I have been.. Dang I look at it and tsometimes get so MAD at the time wasted..) and not happy with where you are, you can change it. The question is to do what?
Working as much as you have I am willing to bet you do not have hobbies or interests because your hobbies and interests have been work. I did that too for a number of years. Everything was work.
I had that farm and when I left I had so much free time.. and I got into all kinds of introspective depressing garbage.. Oh dear.. Dr. Phil is right.. when you stop doing something, be it work, a bad habit, eating to excess etc. you ahve to replace that behavior with something else. I stopped farming and I had a whole lot of replacing to do. I have not really accomplished full replacement but I have sure learned a lot of stuff trying to!
Get out the old writing pad and wirte down (just a list to start) things that you REALLY like to do (sleeping BTW does NOT count!
). Stuff you enjoy. It may be little things but start there and formulate another plan.. on how to expand on one or two of those things to see if you really like them that much. You can try some credit free class at a community college that is associated with these things.
Between your son and trying a new hobby or hobbies and work you will find your way.
One thing I like is that you got ANGRY at a response here. That is a GOOD sign.
If you find you really CANNOT do anything. If you feel paralyzed by depression, you probably would benefit from some professional intervention. Go see a physician and maybe a course of anti depressants will help you. I am not a fan of this but that is for me, not for others. These things have helped a lot of people.
Keep on keepin' on and know you are not the only one who has hit this wall. Be glad you see the wall and can take a proactive stance and get over, through it or whatever it takes.
((((NGU))))