Struggling
A couple of weeks ago, my brother moved away. He bought a house in Georgia with his new wife. Surprisingly though, that's not what has triggered my current state. While at his house for a good-bye dinner, he showed me some videos that he had taken of my son when he was younger. While watching the videos I realized 1) I could not remember him at that time in his life 2) I couldn't even pinpoint how old he was. I've missed my son's entire life. I went back to work 2 weeks after I had him. My staples from my c-section were still in. And, at the time I was working a full-time job, a part-time job and going to college full-time. After I graduated I worked full-time in a school and worked ABA sessions after (kids with Autism). I worked everyday from 8am to 7pm. Now, I have a great job. I make enough money to not need to work all day long. But, that doesn't stop me. For the past 2 years, I've been working 9am to 8pm 5 days a week. So, in light of all of this, I decided to take some time off from work. To "be a mom" for the first time in my child's life. And, instead of plunging into mother-hood, I've plunged deep into depression. I haven't been to work in.... I have idea how long. I haven't spoken to anyone. I haven't been sleeping... maybe 2 hours a night at best. I just sit. I sit and I think. I sit and I cry. I do this because I've come to the realization that I don't like myself, I don't like my life, I didn't want to be a parent, and perhaps still don't and the reason that I've been working so much and so hard for the past years isn't for the money, isn't for the satisfaction of helping children and families. It's to avoid my own life. To avoid the reality of who I am and what my life is. I don't know where to go from here!