God, I do too. Stay clear of the what ifs. They don't do you or anyone else any good. Try to keep your mind busy with other stuff - yank if away from there as soon as you realize you're "going there."
What if you had turned in his dealers? You might have ended up dead and he might have just found another dealer. There's always another dealer.
What if you'd left sooner? You may never have been sure that it was the right thing to do.
What if you never find that love again? First off: you will. You know how I know this? Because I went through the same thing, the same thoughts, the same horrors. And my HP saw fit to steer me to a love fifty times better than that EVER was (and I'm old n' ugly!!!
) And secondly: What love? He doesn't even love himself. You've been kind and patient and loving with him, and he not only couldn't reciprocate for more than a couple of days, he's out there telling people it's YOUR fault he's an addict. If you never find that again, you'll be doing well imho ! (You're idealizing the good times, but that's okay; we all do it)
You will be okay, Selah. We sometimes need to let go of things that aren't serving us, or which are doing a mediocre job of it, in order to make room for the things that WiLL serve us. Sometimes you find joy by slicing away everything that ISN'T joyful. It's painful as heck, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. But just over the little hill -- this hill you can't see over yet -- is a life with someone who treasures you, far away from addiction and it's hellish days and nights.
Have faith in you, and in what your HP dropped you here for.