I think both of my sisters had brain damage by the time their addictions had run their course. I'm convinced of it, actually....and the science pretty much backs up the facts of how your brain chemistry -- how it makes itself happy and sad, how it heals -- is permanently screwed up by drug abuse. But would that knowledge have changed anything about what my family had to do to protect ourselves from their addictions? Not a bit. If anything, it just made me sadder. It's just so sad and sick.
You're right in the thick of it, Selah...I wish I could say something that would make you feel better right now, but I can't. You're in the hard spot, the breaking spot. My only condolence, besides this big hug (((( )))) is that if you protect yourself and stay detached from him and focused on YOU, each day will get easier and easier.
It's just like recovering from a surgery. You don't expect to be pain free right after the anesthesia wears off...but if you do the right things, and treat the wound with great tenderness, each day is better and better. If you don't keep it bandaged, or let other people get it dirty, or mess with the stitches, then you DON'T keep getting better. And for now...well...that's why we always talk about doing things that are distracting. It helps us get through these "unavoidably hard" times...reading, movies, baths, spending time with friends, classes, anything that occupies your mind & keeps it from wandering back to that room full of "what ifs".
We love you Selah
GL