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I don't know guys what really to say, Saturday I was so angry and upset I didn't want to even post here. And that is very unusual for me.

I am going through a very difficult time now. It is hard to describe all of my feelings, but I figure it is best to post them, esp to you all who understand the crazy thoughts we have at times.

When my A and I split up (for the 3rd time) this past January he went to live with this woman in a nearby city who he used to work with. She is 10 years younger than us both and has 2 very young children. He left her and came home, when we got back together. She has since stalked,manipulated,and has acted crazy at times. My A has tried to handle this situation to the best of his ability to where she doesn't come to our home, or invade my or our childs security. She gives him money, drugs,alcohol, anything that he wants.
She is 4 months pregnant with his child.
He tells me he does not want her to have this baby, she knows this, and HAS known this, but is the type of person that would HAVE the baby to make life difficult for everyone, basically out of spite.

My A has tried to be strong, he has not handled this in the BEST ways, but he has been trying to talk to her, and convince her into termination.

I've also tried to talk to him, telling him to watch how he handles this, I've told him I can't take him leaving like he does, and not coming back until the next day, Saturday morning I woke up to find our car parked in front of the house and he no where to be found. He knew I had to go to work, but the woman had caught up with him at his mothers house, and he knew he had to talk to her. Like I had said before he is not handling this situation in the best manor, but I truly beleive he is trying to handle it.

In the meantime, I am feeling very bad about myself. The whole scenerio is driving me insane, making me have horrible thoughts, and I feel like I am to the point to where my life is so full of un-certainty from one day to the next, I don't know what to do.

My A still drinks and uses pot daily. It seems as though the focus has been off of that, and put on this other situation. It is also difficult because I have never had to deal with another woman in the piture ever before. (to my knowledge) It all feels awful.

Have any of you all ever gone through this?

I was trying real hard when I got up Saturday morning to focus on what I know, not to let his actions effect my mood, not let his actions affect mine, but it did not help me at all. It did not make me feel good at all. I WAS affected, It was like I couldn't help it. The whole morning I waited to hear from him, or for him to come home, and until he did, I was having terrible thoughts of suicide, hurting the other woman, or something, JUST SOMETHING to not feel the pain I was feeling inside.

I read your post Morning Glory about the inner child. It was very good. I come from a good family, no drinking or drug use at all, but a VERY non-affectionate family. We weren't really that close, Mom and Dad were there but distant.

I hate myself sometimes, those are strong words, I know...but I do. I can't help it. It is like I live in this personal inner hell everyday, it is an addiction to my A that I don't want anyone to know about who knows me, it is a need to feel loved in whatever sick way I can get it. It is irrational, but it is all apart of me. My biggest hope is that one day I can get past it, and at the rate I am going I am not really sure when that will be. I dispise being co dependent, we go through enough with all of this, I have a hard time trying to understand WHY we have to be affected by all of this so deeply.

I know this has been a book, but I really can't put my feelings in any other way except by how they come out.

I love you all, and thank you for letting me share my thoughts. I will try to make it through this day a little bit at a time.

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