Spedteach,
This sounds so familiar it's eerie...
Here's what I have learned, having been through this before.
An active A has very low self-worth.
They have an inner sense of the havoc their are causing in their own lives, and they live with the depression and sadness every day. They are NOT happy, they are NOT satisfied... and they are searching for some way to make themselves feel better. The easiest way? Make everyone else, the world, and US, responsible for their feelings. This way, they don't have to feel shame and guilt for the dysfunction in their own life. Sometimes they may be aware that they are "addicted", but not ready to admit it - they become masters of denial.
And we want answers.
We try to smooth things over, and tiptoe around so as not to disturb them. But it doesn't matter how careful we are... they will find a way to put it on us - they have to. If they took any responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship, for the behavior etc., it would mean that they would have to admit defeat. They are still fighting... not yet ready to surrender.
For me, things started to escalate with his erratic mean and nasty behavior. It was my AH's last ditch effort to hang on to his addiction. He was now aware of the destruction it was causing, and was trying to find an "out"; some way to still make it possible to live in his insanity.
So here's what I learned.
I had to STOP playing the "game".
Stop reacting to and allowing myself to be responsible for him. If someone voiced their concern for me (as your husbands friend did), I told them they were right, no matter how much shame I felt. And I used all the strength I had to keep my hands off and my mouth shut. This was HIS disease; this is HIS to deal with.
And I began to pick up the pieces of my life that I had lost along the way.
What was I all about? What do I love to do? What makes me happy? What do I need / want? And anytime HE came up in the answer, I started all over again.
You know what ended up happening?
I began to take pride in myself. I began to discover who I was, and what I had to offer. I began to dream and have ambitions... and I began to let go of wanting to control it all.
And him?
He got angrier and more beligerant. He dissapeared for days at a time. He called me every name in the book, and when that didn't work, he cried and blubbered like a little baby.
BUT...
Eventually he felt the weight of the disease. He saw what was happening to him, and he began to admit that he needed help. There was no one to help him along anymore and he was losing his grip on life.
There are no guarantees when it comes to your addict.
But there are choices for YOU, and there is always a better way than what you are living right now.
You deserve to be happy girl - you'll find that happiness within yourself. But only if you make room and give him back his disease.
Take care
Meg