You are in the right place Carol....we have all been where you are. We have all contemplated suicide....or murder....or both. We have all been at the ends of our respective ropes again and again and again.
Do you go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Do yourself a favor and track down one in your area. I can honestly say that those meetings SAVED MY LIFE! Literally and figuratively.
In the meantime, please understand that your son is using the technique that has worked for him again and again. Guilt. We are so susceptible to it. But the truth is that he made the choices that got him where he is. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. When, and if, he ever gets clean, it will be because he is finally tired of the life he is leading. The sooner you let him feel the consequences of his actions, the sooner that might happen.
I urge you to read all the "stickies" at the top of the forum. They are invaluable. I also urge you to take care of yourself, because YOU are invaluable. And keep coming back here, because the experience strength and hope you can find here are invaluable. If you look around, there are many, many Moms of addicts who post here.
Be gentle with yourself, my friend.
Babs