Ray, I don't envy you at all.....it is so hard to finally say "No More!" It took me years! This was the 7th time he was in jail, and every time before, I believed him, and trusted him....and every time before, it was just one more in the long line of disappointments.....and each time was worse than the time before....Not because he was worse, but each time I was more disgusted with myself for being so gullible and so needy that I kept letting him play me for a patsy. It was really myself that I got so fed up with.
Shoot, how darn needy was I that I would allow someone (anyone!) to keep doing that to me again and again and again!? I didn't end up hating him, I ended up hating ME!
You know that old song that goes, "It's not for what you are that makes me love you like I do, but for what I AM when I am with you..." I don't want to live a life where I have to be constantly on my guard....where I have to go to 6 meetings a week just to keep myself from thoughts of suicide, where I know better than to trust anything that comes out of his mouth. It makes me anguished and miserable and miserable to be around. If I don't have a relationship that reinforces the good things in me, I would just rather be alone.
If I ever get involved with another man, it will be one where I can still give him the benefit of the doubt. I won't have an entire dumpster full of old baggage and old hurts and old resentments. I think we all deserve to find love without reservations...and that includes them. I keep hoping that my X will meet someone that he hasn't already burned that can still find the best in him. I can't. Someone who can trust him enough to help him live up to that trust.....my time is past.
I am too darned old for this disappointment stuff....and too darned tired and too darned cynical!
We all know that whatever you choose will be the right thing for you in this time and in this space. If it works out, no one will be more excited than me that you were loyal enough to see him through the hard times. And if it doesn't work out, no one will be more compassionate than me....we have all been where you are....most of us more than once. We will carry you when you are hurt and sing with you when you are victorious.....and we will love you, no matter what.
(((Hugs, Girlfriend)))
Babs