Marle, through the years of AS's addiction, I have faced the same dilemma. There have been times meeting with AS has left me overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, grief, anger, shocked by his appearance/state of mind and so on. At other times I've felt such joy to see him and be thankful for the precious time together. At these times he's looked healthy, put on weight, his wonderful sense of humor intact, his eyes twinkling. There have been times I've been able to stay in serenity, feeling a loving detachment whatever his state of mind, physical appearance or present circumstances.
As a Mom, I do undertand how hard it is (( Marle )) when contemplating meeting our
adult kids, the babies we raised and loved whose lives and circumstances are tragically altered by the beast addiction. I do not see AS today as I cannot afford to go to that dark place, prison.
Your recovery is strong and shining.
The posts above mine are filled with ESH and helpful suggestions.
Megan knows you love her. Serenity may come and go. Please bear in mind whatever you decide, you will be okay when you place your trust in HP's tender loving care.