Morning Glory, I can totally relate to your thoughts and feelings. I suffer with depression and had a bad case last week. With depression my thinking becomes distorted, I start seeing everything in absolutes, black and white(not much white). The other thing that happens is I start beating myself up - big time. So part of it is distorted thinking which I think comes from a temporary imbalance in my body chemistry. But the other part, the despair and feelings of intense pain - those are real. They are so strong and vivid that sometimes I can hardley stand to be in my own skin. These feelings must come from a place of intense need and longing. While the feelings are real the thoughts are twisted. Feel the pain, but dont think it means you are a failure. Pain just is, we cant always avoid it. Life is supposed to be hard, my mother never told me that.
What helps me is to reach out to as many people as possible, friends, this site, meetings and share my feelings. It also helps me to cry and sob for awhile, especially with a good friend or counselor. I also take St. JOhns Wort 3 times a day (I dont want to do the other antidepressants).
I want you to know from someone that has just been there and back, the thoughts about being worthless are not true, but the depression talking. You know somewhere deep in your soul that you are very worthwhile, you are the shinning glory of the creator of our universe. Its the pain, the disappointment, and strong desire to change your life, that drive you to these thoughts. And maybe some toxic childhood messages.
You can make it back to the place of balance, and you will. Just keep on breathing, you never know what tomorrow will bring. You may receive a sail in the tide tomorrow. I love you, I value your friedship, I need you in my quest to find a better life. Take heart, relief will come...