CE, I could have written your post too.
"How do I let go and let down the wall that stops me from trusting? "
By looking it right in the eye and taking the walls down day by day, brick by brick.
How do I not let it affect my today?
One word to help you try and make sense is PROJECTION. Your XA had to project his feelings about himself that he burried and refused to deal with onto you to attack his own feelings of self loathing. It is a form of abuse. Many abusers use the same tactics and much like the commonalities of A's, there are commonalities of abusers.
They are very good at tuning into our deepest selves and finding the signals we unconsciously send out to the world. Our own insecurities and fears as well as the negative messages we had instilled in our minds by less than healthy people we trusted through the years, are like beacons they lock onto.
They are also adept at taking our information that we share and hone it into weapons to use at just the right times when we seem to be getting too out of their control. In healthy relatiohsips this kind of interaction is normal and necessary to establish a trusting relationship. With an abuser, it is a manuever to gain the upper hand.
As long as they keep us doubting ourselves and lost in that confusion, we are at a disadvantage. Isolation is a great resource for them because that way the healthy parts of ourselves are never validated outside of ourselves. Good loving people are their nemesis' because they bolster our strengths and our justifyable rights to be treated with respect and love. Their healthy projections of us as wonderful, loving people must never come into the picture least the abuser loses power over us. To turn us into insecure, mistrusting people and paint our healthy support system as toxic, accomplishes this goal.
That you are able to sort something of this magnitude out, validates that you are stronger and healthier than you may think and feel at times. Use this as a gauge when you deal with his negative voice and you are feeling as if his view of you is right. You have the power to silence his voice and turn up the volume of your own strong and healthy one.
It is a slow journey as we create ourselves in our own way. We need not answer to anyone who would cause us pain and oppress growth or limit us to a world in which they exist as our core and we are reduced into non existence.
It has taken me all my years to be able to own that I am the sole reason that I am here today and who I am at this moment. I owe that to my strength and reslience. Many times my personal power has been compromised by others because they pushed my self doubt buttons and I flinched. Though we may slip at times, we have the power to rise beyond all that and feel the beautiful freedom we create by listinging to our own heart songs.
It is a lifelong journey but it's so worth the trip. Never stop looking for the beauty. It is always there.