Selah

Wow, are we living the same life. My abf is addicted to xanax mainly - but yes he goes for kolonopin and vicodin and sometimes even coke as a last result. And yes it xanax was doctor prescribed. I am filled with so much anger towards the doctor, towards everyone who allowed to take it seeing how harshly it affected him. And yes I hold onto and ration his pills....it's a terrible feeling to be turned into a parent. The weight I hold to yes or no, 1 or 2 when I am filled with fear b/c if I give one or two I know he'll want or steal 3-4 more or go to his stupid friends to get 30 more...
I don't understand - logically yes I know it's a mental addiction, and now in his blood stream. but He has me, an awesome family, job, very talented at music...just makes no sense.
Now here's the worst part - I try to work on me, I really do. But part of me is enveloped in him...he is who I want to marry build a life with and it is all halted. He is amazing person, kind & cute & playful & helpful WHEN he's not on pills. I become resentful when he is on pills. He spent all his money, he embarassed me at a party or function, he lied, he said inappropriate things to other women, this isn't even him and I sit there...knowing this isn't him but what am I going to make an announcement to everyone we come in contact with? ' oh don't mind him he's on about 2387 different pills right now' And when he becomes sober I still hold things against him...that's a terrible feeling as well.
Good thing? He left for rehab on tuesday but our r/ship has been so damaged by his drug use I've developed terrible habits...resentful, cyncical, sarcastic, angry...so i become angry w/ myself.

Oh well...I'll just keep on keepin on.