Thank you for everyone's insight and suggestions but I am trying to take whatever progress and good feelings about myself I can get.
And for me. This right now- has to be enough.
No, it might not be something everyone agrees with but this is where I am at right now and this is who I am. I've been struggling with mental health long before I met this guy, so I know the way my brain works.
Yea, every thread is about HIM - but I KNOW this as is evidenced in my previous post. I can elucidate the PROBLEM but need to practice using tools that will contribute to the solution and as you have all pointed out- stop getting caught up the intellectualism of the situation.
I KNOW these things about myself- I KNOW I become trapped in the complexity of things but again KNOWING this aids in changing it but there are physical steps that need to be taken (at least for me, that's how I work) in order to shift my frame of mind.
Right now I don't feel strong and I am sure many of you on the board may be aggravated and think I am weak due to my inability to "Get" things quickly or apply myself to them diligently or to remain stuck in behavior patterns and destructive ways of thinking. As a child I was sexually abused- this accounts for a lifetime of low self-esteem, self-worth and of believing there was something "Wrong" with me because something like that happened to me. So many of these feelings - as I am sure many other here- stem from a darker place than just dealing with the addict. Heck- when I was deep in the deapths of my eating disorder I came close to death two times because I couldn't even believe I deserved to nourish myself and take care of myself.
I am not trying to play the victim or make excuses for why I am so resistant to changing my ways and remain stuck in the same struggles, but for me recalling these things reminds me that I have been through worse and have prevailed.
I've really needed a meeting these past few days. THe one I can get to without alot of strife is tonight. Hopefully my class will end early so I can get to it. I realy need that support.