mamashell

I feel like a hypocrite for posting here. I too drink now, I am ashamed to say.

My father was an alcoholic. I even feel guilty for saying that & he has been dead for 6 years now. I loved my dad.

I grew up waiting for the rug to be jerked out from underneath me. My daddy was a wonderful smart, moral, ethical, kind, caring man who became the devil when he drank. I think the fact that he was kind part of the time was harder for me than the abuse. The kindness made me feel guilty for hating how he was when drinking.

I am a door mat at 42 years old. I make excuses for everyones behavior but my own. I am a fixer, a mender....I find societys cast off's & try to save them. I am empathatic to the point, I cannot function around broken people. This leaves me open to much pain. I HAVE to help people. I cannot stop myself. Most of the time the people I try to help are Borderline personailties. I end up devestated, which makes me feel more worthless.

I read the charataristics of an alcoholics child & I fit most of them/ But I am incapable of lying about myself. I was beaten if I lied. I always tell the truth. I only lie to protect someone else. I know why ..but I cannot stop. I used to lie & take the blame for things so my brothers didn't get whipped. I could not stand them getting punished. I took their punishment..it hurt me less.

I was called every dirty name imaginable by age 10. I was molested by a cousin at age 6. My father didn't know. But the names he called me........I will hear them for the rest of my life.

My cousin told me if I told my family would leave me. I was terrified they'd find out. In 2nd grade I started making myself throw up so Mom would let me stay home, that way I could keep an eye on my family. I was terrified they'd leave me. I have had an eating disorder since I was 17. I cope with rejection & fear with it.

I am OCD. I was in 3rd grade when I started counting. We were poor....had rats in our house. My dad was drunk & locked us in the dark cellar. I pulled my little brothers up on the washer....we sat huddled together listening as my Dad threw my mom around in the other room. The rats were sewer rats. they were in the dark with us. I was terrified. I started counting so nothing would hurt us...1,2,3,4 never less & nothing more. To this day, I do everything in multiples of 4. I cannot stop, irrational as it seems.

My Father was PERFECT when sober. But the days & eventually the hours of sobriety got fewer & fewer. My compulsions grew bigger & bigger. I became a PLEASER. But nothing worked.

I had to clean the house when I was 10, the entire house. If I didn't do it right, I'd have to start all over. But the worst part was the berating words, worthless, lazy, no good... HE told me, " There is no shame in being poor as long as you are clean." Now, I crawl on the floor & pick up lint at age 42. Now I use a toothbrush to scrub floors...I cannot stop. I use a gallon of bleach in 2 days. Sometimes my hands bleed.

I am a horrible mother. Don't get me wrong I don't abuse my children. I do them no favors though, they walk all over me. I tell them 10 times a day they are wonderful, beautiful & I don't deserve them. They know I am right......they are better than who I am. Honestly though if I didn't have them, I would have done away with myself a very long time ago.

And 4 years ago, I started drinking..yep that's right I started drinking. Started out on Fridays, then 2 nights a week then every other day. I disgust myself. It has been 4 days since I drank & I can feel the calling. I only drink when the kids are sleeping but they KNOW. I have taught them it is bad. It is wrong. It will kill you & now I do it.

I am sorry for this novel. I have hit bottom emotionally. I have nowhere to go.

Everyone tells me to heal you have to learn to love yourself. But how can my entire family be wrong? how can everybody I have ever loved that left be wrong? I mean seriously, I know some people have esteem issues unwarranted. But what if mine are right?
When my Father found out he was terminally ill, He said to me, " I love you. You are my daughter. It doesn't matter what you turned out to be."