Its tough to recover
Hi, I am an addict in recovery. I wanted to share something with families, to get your view.
I have been in recovery for 18 months, work a programme, and am keeping clean.
My wife and I had the most serious fight since I went into recovery this week. It revolves around our children - 5 and 6.
We have different parenting styles, althougfh we are united most of the time. On Sunday night, my wife and I differed on a dicipline issue, and it resulted in raised tempers and harsh words.
The crux of the issue is Ifeel she indulges the children a little to much sometimes - but she is a very good, loving devoted mother. The following transpired:
She does not feel we are equal parenting partners - she is primary care giver, and I am comming in from being an absent father - ouch - that hurt, but there is truth to it.
She feels while I am a much more involved parent now - she can not yet let go of the past. ouch - gues my past will remain for some time yet.
When we started getting to angry - I opted to go to bed. That made her more angry. However, the next day I explained I needed to look why I was so angry. What fears of mine was she speaking to. What role do/did I play in this angry exchange. This is new for me. In the past I would have heldf on to be right!
I also explained extreme anger is a trigger for me. The F it feeling. In bed I can get up to no mischief!
I called her the next day to discuss it. I was hurt by much of what she said. Listed above. However I have to accept her view on this. I cannot decide when I am forgiven. I have forgiven myself - but that is all I can do.
When I reflect back on how I acted, I am proud of myself. What different behaviour to before. I would have waged war, insisted on being right. At least now I know how she sees my parenting, and know where I stand. I will have to adress her perceptions through action.
Thank goodness I have a programme. So I can reflect on myself, my role in the conflict, and what fears are being spoken to. This is a 360% turnaround for me.
And my past, well it remains an issue. I must accept that.
By last night, there was peace in our home. Some hurt feelings, no resentments, and love. I did not like what I had to hear.
It was very strange have just one issue at the core of it all. In the past my lies, deceipt etc would have come into it too. Now it was just about the children and that issue alone. I also felt I could engage as an equal. I did not have to worm out of any untruths. I think this was new for her to.
I think my wife was surprised by this new approach of mine. I feel I was mainly constructive. I could admit I was wrong where I was.
All is not resolved around the core issue of parenting. But openness, dialogue and love are more prevailant.
And I can now ask HP to guide me, to show me the way, to hand it over.
Recovery is tough, my past lingers on, but the rewards are rich, and run deep.
Recovery truly is so much more than staying clean.
Thank you for letting me share. And yes, I feel quite proud of how I handled it. Progress, but not perfection.