It took me awhile to learn that boundaries are for ME and not for someone else. A boundary says this is what I will or will not accept/allow/tolerate. It DOESN'T say what he can or cannot do.
I had to learn to set the boundaries that I was willing to live with at the time AND was willing to enforce.
I started with smaller ones and moved up to bigger ones as my self confidence and self esteem grew. I also learned that setting and maintaining boundaries was different with a spouse or boyfriend than it was for my sons. With my sons, I could say that I wouldn't allow drugs in my home so if they chose to bring drugs into the house, they would no longer be allowed to live there. Their names weren't on the mortgage or the title of the house, so it was fairly straightforward. It was very painful to enforce, but I did it. NO second chances, no real conversation. The drugs came in, the son moved out.
With my spouse it was a bit more complicated. It took me awhile to grasp that my boundary was about ME... so when I said I would not live with someone who said or did "X", I needed a consequence that I could live with and follow through. It meant I was ready and able to leave our family home if he didn't leave instead. It wasn't a threat, it wasn't manipulation and it wasn't said in anger. The boundary came from a peaceful, loving and sad place within me... it said I was worth it and I wasn't going to continue to share a life or living space with someone who didn't respect me.
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