I think what helped me to understand that the A's behaviors were not about "me" or at "me" was when I started attending Al-Anon meetings. I realized that there were hundreds, thousands, millions of people just like me. I met these people, I realized how wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, witty, loving, caring, compassionate, and giving these people were and guess what?
Their alcoholic/addict loved ones did almost exactly the same thing to them that mine had done to me. That's when my eyes began to open up to that it wasn't about ME - it was about a disease. And MY disease caused a certain reaction in me and those wonderful people that I met in those rooms of recovery had almost the same reactions.
Just the ways we were all affected.
Took me a while to grasp that - but it has helped me in understanding that the A's actions are really not about me.